Feelers

For some reason, when I come across certain things - reading, hearing, seeing - fiam, my mind goes off on a tangent. The other day, it was a song I was listening to and then today, it was an article I was reading which birthed this post.

What are feelings? How do we make sense of them? Why are some persons more feely feely (sensitive) than others?

Well, I have no answers, sorry to say. But for myself, I know that once upon a time, I repressed my feelings. Apparently, it was cool to do so then or it was a taboo? Can't exactly remember hehe. But, letting myself to feel was tantamount to being vulnerable and I hated being vulnerable. Still hate it except in the right context I suppose.

So what changed? Well, it didn't just happen overnight. I don't think I even noticed the paradigm shift but I recently realised that I no longer run away from my feelings rather, I embrace them wholeheartedly; give them a warm reception and send them on their way. I've come to realise that it's the lil' girl that's trying to say something. You want love? I'll give you that. You're sad? Aww darling, it's ok. You're angry? Why? Ok, you dunno why? Oya, vent it, but whatever you do, don't repress it. You feel frustrated hun? It's ok, take your time examine all the reasons why you feel that way.

I didn't actively engage my emotions once upon a time; anger especially. Then I thought it wrong to be angry and avoided it at all cost. That led me to become the passive aggressive type (probably still am, but at least now I know and so I'm conquering it). Anger was bad energy, still is. So is jealousy and a whole lot of other bad juju.

I guess what I needed to understand was that God gave us feelings (emotions) for a reason, they shouldn't be denied. It's not a crime to feel the things that one does feel but acknowledging these feelings make them all the more easy to understand and to develop subsequent plans of action in handling them.

I got angry with a friend recently (for the record, I'm not easily angered) and reacted. She went on and on about how disappointed she was in me and my reaction (I'd walked away and didn't answer her when she called out to me). This happened after church BTW. Ok, admittedly, it was a little incident that tripped me off but that little incident was based on a series of other little events that had happened over a period of time and I decided not to let the recent one slide. So, the sermon got to a point where I had to ask her, "I don vex for you before?" She couldn't answer. Perhaps that's why she was disappointed. Maybe she thought I was anger proof lol. She never acknowledged what she did BTW but that ain't the point. The point is, it's ok to feel the way you feel but be careful of your actions during that period lest you go overboard and make the wrong choices. That's why people advise other people to not make decisions in the heat of the moment - whatever the moment might be (anger, lust, infatuation, frustration, fatigue, despair etc).

Over the years, I've managed to create various ways I tackle emotional overwhelm. It could be withdrawal, writing also does it for me - shout out to my journals. They've been with me through thick 'n' thin lol. Generally, writing helps clear my mind and put things in perspective so do walks. I take long walks - they almost always help me make sense of stuff. I talk to my friends - that's the one I'm still working on. Talking to people doesn't come easy for me but after I've done that, I wonder why I waited that long to do it, hehe. And then, this' the easy one; I cry. Yep, I'm a big cry baby, 🙈😶. Tears are cathartic (that was once my Facebook post). It's like a cleansing, literally purging out all them toxins out. And when I'm done, it's like a rainbow after a torrential downpour. Yeah, that's the feeling I get after a good cry. 

Last but not least, I pray and meditate on God's word. I remind myself of what God says concerning whatever's the cause of those feelings in the first place and hand over everything to him. I can't shout. I'm only human after all and all these overall has kept me sane and grounded.

All in all, I'm allowed to feel all the feels I want to feel (that includes wanting to be alone, wanting to not pick calls amongst other things, free me. Going forward, I refuse to allow anyone guilt trip me on these). So, welcome, emotions, welcome. Come one, come all! None will be turned away; none will be dwelt upon.

Peace.

Photo Credit: Indiatoday

Miss Cally

Ah, Calabar my Calabar...I'll one day write a poem for you. There are few places you go where you can say home sweet home. For me, Calabar was one of those. You know how you meet certain people and you just have an instant connection? That's what happened between I and Cally. My dream city's what I call her. Going to Calabar was like coming home. I don't have any roots there sef but these things happen; inexplicable connection to places and people.

My mandatory one year service took me to Calabar and I was instantly hooked. Well, I took myself there cos I redeployed from my original state of service. I've loved Calabar from afar and it was one of the Nigerian cities I'd longed to visit, so when I saw the opportunity, I pounced on it.

KrossKopa

Jos is another place I'd like to also visit but seeing Calabar and living there's calmed my thirst. For now. You'd be surprised at my reasons for loving Cally, but love's love. There's a casualness to Cally that I like. Those people know how to take life easy. Oh, and they know how to enjoy life, like really enjoy it (story for another day).

Chilling after watching a match at the stadium. AFCON qualifier I think.

This match.

Everywhere I turned to, it was a park, more like a garden park, everywhere for chilling. Infact, it's a garden state. Every inch of ground's well tended and groomed. I'm sure it's serene environment's specially groomed to drive business. You know Cross River's known for its tourist attractions hence, everything has to work to promote the touristy feel. They did eat my money and made me spend more, but I didn't mind. Yeah, it's quite an expensive place to live in with limited employment/business opportunities (believe me, I tried getting a job). Most of the businesses there are concentrated in the hospitality industry. This again is due to the state's appellation as a destination spot for touristy tourists.

Entrance to my *PPA.

I really did enjoy Calabar. The people are friendly, cuisine's on point. I learnt how to eat white rice with pepper soup instead of tomatoes sauce by force. There's a dearth of tomatoes over there that's why (so I was told).

My *boli joint for when I couldn't bear to down white rice and pepper soup.

Not so clear but quite enjoyable. Especially liked the herbal leaves used, forgotten the name. It was slightly bitter. 

My journey to a healthy lifestyle started in Cally. I learnt to eat more fruits and veggies there. I even learnt to enjoy watermelon and cucumber. Two things I'd previously hated with passion. All my memories of Calabar are beautiful, thanks to amazing friends as well. I couldn't tour the *state as I'd intended due to financial constraints but I have no regrets.

And yes, I did make friends (surprise). They were that friendly and open too. They're not closed off like my Abuja people of which I'm one. Witnessed three weddings (could've been more) and turned down an offer to go for a burial ceremony (can't fit shout).

The view from my window, lol. Can't recall what festival. The road was later tarred and my ears heard it.

My stay in Cally was well worth it. It opened my eyes to the finer points of life. It's one aspect of my life I see as a major landmark.

I'm watching Jenifas's diary btw, and it's so frigging hilarious.

Well, what can I say? I had an awemazing service year in Cally and I promise to share more about it on my 5th year serviceverssary which will be June 2nd or is it 6th? I forget. Just stay tuned.💋

The pictures ain't exactly snazzy I know. Didn't have a blog and an audience in mind when I took them. Bear with me mbok.

*PPA: Primary Place of Assignment where during the mandatory one year service, you're attached to a School/Company/Organisation to give back to your Fatherland.
*Boli: Roasted Plantain
*Crossriver.

Dream Chasers

She's a dream chaser

No dream's too small or too big.

When I published this post, in my heart of hearts I knew the author was talking to me (dunno about you). It struck a cord deep down on the inside of me (that's not grammatically correct btw). I've always had my friends see my potential even before I see them, I dunno why. God's blessed me with an amazing set of people who are always looking out for me and for that I'm grateful. I do abuse the privilege sometimes Lord knows *coversface* but I'm glad to know that they've got my back anyday, anytime even over our long stretches of silence.

Yeah, I can be silent sometimes. Really silent. Were I to be a man, I'd be known as the strong and silent type (lol).

Once a friend knew about a particular skill set I possessed, the next thing would be them urging me to do something with it, go train it or walk it or whatever, don't just leave it idle.

I'm seated in my room and I ought to be asleep. I mean, sleep's practically crooning in my ears to come to my not so appealing bed but I want to put this down before I turn in.

If there's one thing I've realised is that our fears are just that. Fears. Groundless fears. Baseless fears. Ok, some might be based on something but that's not the point. The point is, even knowing that our fears are groundless, does that still change anything? No.

Most of us' got big dreams and huge awemazing ideas but fear keeps us caged in. It closes us in like a predator and we like the typical prey, turn tail and run.

I believe I'll elaborate on this post another day but one thing I want to say, it's advisable to remove yourself from the noise every once in a while. By noise, I mean anything that'll act as distraction to you meeting your goals.

I started something this year and I'm so thrilled. The signs were just too many to be ignored.

Having said that, I want to use this medium to encourage anyone with a dream; you've nursed it long enough, it's time to let it go forth.

Don't be afraid of failing; be afraid of not trying.

Photo Credit: Omoniyi David. That's a picture of my friend btw, she's a fashion designer; Secafitz. I love what that picture says to me. I'll gush about it another day, not today tonight.

Peace.

Frank Friday: Ramblings, Mutterings and What Nots

Gosh, I feel so fagged out. I laughed long and loud in my head at that expression. The last time I used that was in my secondary school days. Oh those were the days. We had a variety of slangs at our disposal that our speech never lost its flavoured touch.

There was never a boring gist. Whose gist would be boring when one had such an arsenal of northern spiced slangs to choose from? Now I'm "irin feeling tech" lol (only my school mates will relate with this).

All of my life, I've stayed in the north and though I don't speak the language, I'm much more northerner than southerner (is that correct? My head's kinda fuddled right now).

It's been a tedious week and I'm undergoing a spell of laziness with this blog. No, I don't think it's laziness, I don't just have enough energy to expend on it right now I think. Will be back with a bounce I promise. Once I'm done figuring out my life that is. I'm always having to figure out my life I don't understand again o, shuo. Am I alone in this? Anyways, just promise you'll wait for me? *batseyelashes* tashakor.

Cheers...

Photo Credit: Nil

(Of course it'd be nil. Did you see any photo there?) Lol

Frank Friday: Update

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the feedback. Tashakor. I didn't know I was making sense but why oh why would you not drop them here? Feedback that is. I don't get it. Isn't it much easier? Okay, I'm done ranting. I appreciate that ya'll take the time to actually visit, I'm humbled.

So, certain someones have prompted my doing an update on this post. I've needed to clarify a few things. Not everyone can do what I did (I'm not even asking anyone to do anything) cos we're not all in the same circumstance(s) neither are we cut from the same cloth. I've had some people say I made it sound so easy. Seriously? Did you read that post at all? There was nothing easy about that decision. Heck, I was terribly terrified (see? Terribly terrified). It was no mean feat I pulled back then, uhuh. Especially in this clime of ours where we've been fed the half bread's better than none and a Bird in hand's worth...yada, yada, yada advice one time too many.

Manage, the common man's anthem (that's actually a post on its own). So, no it wasn't easy but was it worth it? In Les Brown's voice, it was worth it alright?

So, here goes nothing. Yup, nothing 'cos I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm literally flying by the seat of my pants (go figure).

For anyone that wants to try this (again, I don't even advise you to, double standard much?) be absolutely, unconfoundedly sure 'cos my dear, you ain't going to enjoy the experience unless you're a sloth. I hear they don't do much. I was at the end of my tether so to speak, when I made that decision.

Secondly, make sure you have a plan B in case things don't go quite so well. If possible have a plan in all the alphabets, you don't want to be stranded like this little man:

Thirdly, don't let anyone guilt trip you into thinking you made a mistake (unless you did indeed make a mistake). It's not their happiness or health or advancement or career growth or whatever it is that's making you leave, at stake. I think I should insert here that you should clearly evaluate your reason(s) for leaving. Is it something that can actually be corrected, modified, addressed? You get my drift. We don't want you running off and then two weeks down you suffer from the had-i-known syndrome, nope, that wouldn't do. So assess, assess, assess your reason(s) & option(s).

Also, it's advisable to have some pocket money tucked away somewhere. It should be enough to see you through the wait. You'd have to cut down on your budget, a lot of things would have to go and you & the ones around you would or might feel the pinch. Depends on the wait.

For me, the first thing to go was impulse buying. I'm big at that. If it wasn't absolutely necessary, no deal. I'm learning the hard way. Yes, learning 'cos it's still WIP (Work In Progress).

Basically, that's it. Be sure it's not the evil forces in your villa that are pushing your buttons before you leap. Have your options staked out from A-Z if need be. Avoid those guilt trippers biko 'cos that's exactly what they are. They send you off on guilt trips all by yourself and they almost all don't turn out well. Make sure to have a lil' something (cash) that'll hold till the tide washes over (no brainer there).

So, did I miss anything?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime.

P.S: If you don't look anything like the smiling guy in the first image, then, you're probably making a mistake. Think it through.