Frank Friday: Being human

Back when I used to hear spending time with nature, I'd always picture myself neckdeep in shrubbery in some jungle or some other wild place. After all, nature equals wild yeah? Lol

I've never considered myself an outdoorsy person but then I still enjoyed the little things like watching the day break, or how the clouds move. 

I used to stay up late just because I wanted to hear and feel the night after all the hum drums the humans must have made. You know, we make so much noise. I sometimes wonder if all the noise is heard in space and how. Does it sound like a mighty drone of bees? Or like the dound of crashing waves? Only this time, the noise is magnified thousands of times over. I'm not a scientist so I can't tell the correct value of the magnification, not that you mind do you? 

So, not until I moved into a house with a balcony view did I realise what I'd been missing. I've always wanted to live in one and it happened, onto the next wish. The minutes I spend there drinking in all the sights that take place above and below me is something I can't describe. Just know that God is truly great. 

I could spend hours just gazing up at the sky, it's just that that we humans have something other living beings don't. It's called a job. Hence, one can't possibly do enough of the above. It'd be termed, “wasting time.” Well, thank God for “small” mercies, for those pockets of time that one can freely indulge.

Peace...

MMC: The Patient

"Case file 402, session 29. Subject; Piper Ali."Dr Pepper murmurs into the tape recorder and looks up at his patient.

He'd known she'd be a difficult one, this one. From the set of her chin the first day she'd walked in, he'd known. What he didn't know then was just how difficult.

"You said you had something urgent to tell me?" Dr. Pepper asks. 

"Yes doctor." she replies in a flat tone.

"Is anything the matter?" he asks, careful to mask the note of worry that had creeped into his voice with one of fatherly concern.

"There's a hole where my tooth used to be. There's a hole where my heart used to be."

There's silence, "and..?" He prompts, carefully keeping his face neutral even though what she'd just said had left him puzzled.

"And nothing." she replies in that disturbing monotone.

Dr. Pepper releases an inaudible sigh, this is not how I want to start the week Lord. After 28 sessions, he'd made no headway with this one. What will it take to get you to crack young one?

***

To be continued. Or not... 

MMC: Mental Armour

The alarm rings yet again and for the hundredth time, Ztembe slams it shut. Oh God, why did you have to create Monday, why? She grumbles as she flings the sheet off her and gingerly sets one foot before the other to begin her daily ritual.

Rushing out, she goes through her mental checklist, mental armour she calls them:

*pepper spray, defense against nosy colleagues, check.

*raincoat, to shake off nay sayers, check.

*face mask, to not smell the boss' bullshit, check.

*plastic smile, for Sembe and Sempei, check.

*sunshade, to wade off the evil eyes, check.

With everything checked and a self satisfied smile playing on her lips, she waltzes out, confident in the fact that she was covered. Bring it on Monday. 

                                  ¤¤¤

Hi lovers, 

I've actually missed Ztembe and her wahala, lol and I've missed writing this series. I'm sorry, I needed to take a look at the whole series again to remember why I started this in the first place, Monday and its beefers. Well I've got good news, Ztembe's back, ready to take y'all (and Monday) on and she's bringing the heat with her. Watch out!

Btw, I'm no longer a Monday moaner. Guess that's why I took a pause😁. Have a great week ahead and a lovely Monday. Oh and a happy end of month *doffshat*.

Peace out. 

MMC: Office Politricks

It's a beautiful Monday ☺

It's a tough world out there made especially tougher without a good support system. In every human social gathering, you're most likely to meet the one that rubs you up the wrong way. How much more in a setting where you're stuck with each other on a daily basis, day in day out. I dunno about you but it can be tiring. Lord help you if there seems to be bad blood (even just a teeny one) in between, then welcome to hell (at least one of its versions).

And so, a beautiful Monday morning was nearly ruined by one of these encounters. Mindfulness is key I tell you, you need to try it.

I tire of the tricks and twists and the backbiting that seem to thrive in official settings. I don't get it. Can't we all be on the same team? (a naïve question, I know). It takes a lot of stamina to work in a politricking environment and bless your soul if you don't know the ropes. Bless your soul even more if you don't even want to learn the ropes.

Well, it’s Monday. Welcome to its turns and twists.

P.S: shout out to one of ours🙌; today's a special day for one of our contributors. Happy birthday to you (they prefer being anonymous, no idea why). We celebrate you, keep thriving🎂.

Peace.

MMC: Gripes

This is what happens when you have a shitty weekend, Ztembe fumed. Too short a weekend was the response she gave to all who bothered to ask how her weekend had been. Why can't there be a day between Sunday and Monday, why?

The Phone rings cutting her off from her mental diatribe.
"Yes?" she barks into the phone.
"Zee darling, I see your phone-tiquette has not much improved as your bedside manner," the voice drawls from the other end.

Ztembe's face undergoes an instant transformation, "Oh hi darling, I apologise. I've just been so caught up with work. It's like Monday's my personal demon sent to torment me."

There's laughter from the other end of the phone, "oh you! You've always had it in for Monday, free the lady jare."
"Lady ke? It's a man noni. Monday's so a man or what are you trying to say?" her voice tilts dangerously low as she asks the question.
"Abeg, I didn't call you to have a discourse on feminism or any of your other 'isms'. What time you closing from work?"
"Hmm, it's Monday o, let's consider that."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning I'm not so certain myself when I'd leave, but I'd give you a call when I'm about leaving. Is that ok?" she asks.
"That'll be fine." the voice confirms. "You didn't even ask me why I want to know," it continues.
"Jay, I know why you're calling, leave matter for Martha. Thanks for checking up on me, got something to look forward to now."
The voice laughs again, "you're welcome dear. So, I'd be expecting your call. Try not to kill someone today eh?"

Ztembe laughs off the comment and proceeds to end the call. Where art thou Monday? I'm ready for you.

Kool Kat

MMC: New Beginnings

Ztembe absent-mindedly chewed on  her pen, her mind miles away. She was still trying to process the rude shock that had welcomed her when she walked into the office this morning.

What is wrong with Ochuko she asked yet again and with no small measure of anger. Why does he seem so set against me? Is it something I've done? Or haven't done?

Her meeting with Ochuko had been doomed from the very beginning. It had become obvious that like oil and water, so was it to be with She and Ochuko. Time seemed to fade and Ztembe saw herself just as she'd been when she'd first resumed work.

***

She'd been running late and knew it wasn't going to make for a good first impression for her first day at work. It was bad enough that she'd barely made it through the interview process as someone had snottily confided to her that she'd been thought to be too forward.

Too forward ke? What did that even mean? She remembered thinking, but she wanted so bad to make a good first impression with her colleagues especially now that quasi management already had her pegged. And so with that in mind, she hurried into the building only to run headlong into a brick wall (or so she thought).

***

A sigh escapes her lips. Ztembe, all these thinking will get you nowhere she chides herself but she can't shake herself loose from memory's clutch.

***

"Are you blind?" Ochuko angrily asks.
Ztembe still caught off balance and trying to recover from her near fall was momentarily speechlesss. Not at the question but at his manners.
"Oh, I see you're dumb as well", he continued still glowering at her.
"I...er...I'm sorry, I didn't-", Ztembe managed to stutter before she was rudely cut off.
"Be sorry for yourself". He shot her another look and stalked off.

Now wearing an identical look, she wondered what had gotten stuck in his craw. She'd always heard how Monday made even the most nicest of people irritable but now she wasn't so sure. Hearing was different from seeing and she didn't like this baptism of fire.

***

If only I knew what I know now she thought, I'd have antagonised him less. Whatever she might have thought about Ochuko, one thing was certain, she wouldn't underestimate him.

MMC: A Surprise

What to do when you don't feel like working but you have to? Dump the workload on your sub Ztembe thought.

plotting her next move

Her week had started out splendidly well and she wasn't so surprised as it had cost her an arm and leg to make it so. She had spent the previous weekend at a spiritual-spa-yoga-meditation-relaxation centre.

She wasn't so sure what to call it, hence the funny connections. Should you happen to ask her what it was, she'd go, "it's kinda like a spa but not a spa where we try to connect with our inner selves right after we do the whole zen thing and perform the yoga thingy." In a nutshell, she had no idea what the establishment was about only that it had come highly recommended from a friend.

This funny establishment was where our dear Ztembe had spent the weekend in an almost semi concious relaxed haze.

As she had been taught that the first work day set the tone for the rest of the week, she was determined to take things easy.

If I should encounter Ochuko, make that when, I'd smile and keep it moving. Easy does it Ztembe, easy does it.

With a bright smile on her face and sugar coated nothings on the tip of her tongue, she waltzes into the office and comes to a halt...
Monday had its own plans after all. What do you think it was?

                                                 ***

MMC shall be taking a short break and upon its return, the surprise shall be unveiled.

Have a great week ya'll.=)

Photo Credit: Google 

MMC: A Case for Monday

Hi friends, as a wee bit of reminder;

"Monday Moaners' Club (MMC) is a series of short - really short - stories loosely based on the grief all some of us seem to feel whenever Monday rolls round armed with tons of work."

Enjoy its new episode. 

                                  *** 

"Court," the orderly tries to bring order back into the rowdy room, “Court," he shouts again. The judge bangs his gavel and this time the room quiets down. “Call in the next case," he says to the registrar. 

This particular case from the onset had been a very interesting one, the People vs: Monday, he couldn't wait to hear the defendant's testimony.

"I call upon Mr. Grouch," the orderly declares.

A big grumpy man makes his way noisily to the witness stand. He answers some questions and having undertaken the oath to speak the truth, the proceedings continue. The next witness, Monday is called upon and takes the stand.

"Mr. Monday, you stand accused of sleep thiefery, doldrumming, traffic jams, forceful sobriety, cold showers and hurried breakfasts among several other counts. How plead you?"

"Not guilty my lord."

The judge looks at him askance and he goes on to elaborate.

"My lord you see, human beigns are creatures of habit, circumspect beings and if they aren't pushed, they won't attain their peak. I'm the first day of the working week hence it falls upon me to make sure they hit the ground running as that'll set the pace for the rest of my colleagues, I make it easy for them. Should I fail, the rest of the days would be a flop until flouncy Friday comes along to take them for a fun ride. The mess thereafter is left for me to clean up and I cannot fail my superiors now can I?"

Though he wasn't found guilty, he wasn't acquitted either. So I leave it to you readers, is Monday as bad as he is made out to be?

Have a stress free week ya'll...

Peace.

Photo Credit: Google.

A Commuter's Tale

I've taken to going to and from work via this very long bus we call urban mass back in the FCT.

This is it.

It all started as part of my operation cut cost cos on a good day, I wouldn't use them. It takes longer arriving my destination but I'm kinda enjoying it cos of all the shenanigans that take place in it while in transit, hehe.

The other day, on my way back home a mutiny threatened to strike. Ok, not mutiny more like disorderly behaviour. We had left Area 3 in Garki en route Gwagwalada. It was at the peak of traffic, rush hour when all most offices have closed and everyone's running home.

So, I don't know what got into the *epa but he took a wrong route in the name of avoiding the traffic jam ahead. We had to circle back into town (no mean feat with traffic everywhere). To cut a long story short after much diversions and meeting same result, the passengers began to hyperventilate with insults ringing from all sides.

My amusement changed to alarm when some over excited ones got it into their heads to wrestle control of the steering wheel with the driver. Others began to shout with one woman screaming out the window, "help, help". It was crazy I tell you and I began to pray for the Holy Spirit's intervention. Imagine being in a long bus that's weaving this way and that, it wasn't funny but it was funny. After the fear had passed that is. 

Having finished my prayer, I relaxed, ready to watch the drama unfold (kent fit shout) while enjoying my boiled corn on the cob.

Ultimately, we arrived Gwags two hours late (talk about irate passengers. I pitied the old man sha, na condition make cray fish bend.

*an elderly man.

Photo Credit: aumtco.com

Mayday

Wanted starting this post with happy workers' day but my heart won't let me, what's there to be happy about? 

That some workers are still been owed huge sums in arrears? That some barely scrape by with their monthly stipend called salary? That many are overworked yet underpaid? Tell me, what exactly is there to be celebrated? Let me not even bring in the matter of minimum wage, this place will just scatter. 

The average Nigerian worker is frustrated (but you're not, say amen), hungry, angry, bitter and jobless. Yes jobless, I dunno about you but from where I'm looking in, the average Nigerian worker's always job hunting. Now, I wonder why that sounds so familiar. 

Unsurprisingly, no one's wished me a happy workers' day (well, except my bank. Banks!!! *shudders*). Yo! Workers in the house, what's happening? Easy with the vexing. I wonder if there's going to be some sort of parade like they have in certain parts of the country, but I highly doubt that. Not with the vibes I'm getting. Well, my little birds tell me that there shall be a placard carrying protest in lieu of a celebration, how grand is that?

Everyone's angry; angry with the economy, angry with baba, angry with God? I hope not. I understand sha. You're working with nothing to show for it. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't madness to expect a productive workforce when an enabling environment has not been created for that to take place. I don't know how workers can be productive when they're barely satisfied. 

They're disgruntled and hungry and angry (anger lies in the bosom of a hungry man, yup quote me. I know what I'm saying) and you're expecting their very best? Oga o.

Somethings I don't like to think about how much more, talk about 'cos my spirit dips and I don't like that. So, one good day I made a decision that it wasn't everything I wanted seeing/reading/hearing about, there's a lot of ill news making the rounds and I don't want a part of it. In came selective exposure and it's been there ever since. I can't shout. 

Talking about hunger, I'm a big foodie and I know how nasty I get when I'm hungry, I turn into something else. So workers, I feel us jare, things aren't looking so pinkish right now but there's always a silver lining somewhere, let's look for it shall we?

I think I found one, you get to stay home and rest today, lol. But some persons ain't resting though, like the media practitioners, this is even when they've got extraneous scoops to pursue like covering our your protest march for instance.

So, uhm, a tentative happy workers' day? *duckshead* ejo o, easy. Una no sabi joke again? But on a more serious note, things will surely get better. Have faith, hold on to hope and fret not thyselves.

Photo Credit: Nigerian Eye.

Frank Friday: A Selfish Decision

Hi there. So, it's Frank Friday and I'll be sharing a bit of myself. You know, the bit that's not so put together, the bit that I get to cover with a false sense of bravado on a daily basis, lol. We've all got those bits.

So here's what we'll do, I share, you share, we all share. And what are we sharing? Not PMS o, haha, I know it's scarce and all (a sad development) but we'll be sharing that part of us that's hidden from the world. Where we nurse our fears and uncertainties but please, nurse them no more for no good'll come off that. 

So, here's me opening the show, let's call it a launch of this Frank Friday Series shall we? ;)
***
When I announced my decision to resign from my job, many thought I had taken leave of my senses, that I had gone gaga, nuts, cray cray, cuckoo. Who ups and leaves a job when you haven't gotten a replacement *points finger at self*, that's who. 

But I held fast. Not for me, but for my progeny (more for me) lol. What will I tell them down the years when they find themselves in a similar situation? Oh wait, I'd say "my dear, I was once in your shoe but I did manage so, manage." No, I won't do that to them.

Manage, the common man's song.  That I was in a job that was detrimental to me and I couldn't quit for fear of what people might say or think? I wasn't happy on the job, I knew it and it was obvious. Yet I lingered. Why? Fear. It is indeed true that we are the ones holding ourselves back from greatness. Society has drummed it into our heads to manage, to make do with what we have and as Fela put it "suffering and smiling." I've come to loathe that word, manage.

Hear what someone has to say about this;

“Imagine a society that subjects people to conditions that make them terribly unhappy then gives them the drugs to take away their unhappiness...Instead of removing the conditions that make people depressed modern society gives them antidepressant drugs. In effect antidepressants are a means of modifying an individual's internal state in such a way as to enable him to tolerate social conditions that he would otherwise find intolerable.” 

― Theodore J. Kaczynski

See? The society has conditioned us so much so that we tolerate the otherwise intolerable out of fear. What are we so afraid of I wonder? Personally, I sometimes feel that I limit myself way too much...

Too much so. 

And so, it was with a strong sense of resolve I woke up one day to say, enough's enough and believe you me, it had a liberating effect on me. It was like taking power back from whoever or whatever I had given it to. I felt alive and in charge. And that's just the first step of my self-empowerment.

Now, I didn't arrive at that decision without my fair share of doubt, worries, anxieties and double checking to be doubly sure that I was making the right decision. To be sure, it was a selfish decision, I believe I'm allowed to act selfishly every once in a while. And do I regret the decision???

Hell no!

So, enough's enough. Life's for the living, breathe...

Photo Credit: Google

MMC: An Unusual Worker

When news made the rounds that Ztembe had been sacked, there was a collective gasp of shock. No it couldn't be Ztembe. Ztembe the golden girl, the one who always pulled through with deadlines, the one who always brought in the big bucks. Everyone was in awe of her skills, even the most difficult of clients.

That Ztembe, getting the boot? No, it couldn't be, can't be. Everyone was certain there was a mix up somewhere. Everyone but Ochuko.

Theories were put forward and then discarded; maybe she'd had a fall in with management as Ztembe was one to talk when she ought to be silent.

Maybe Ochuko did finally pull some strings another conspiracy theorist postulated but that was quickly shot down. Ochuko would not do such a thing. Yes, there was bad blood between them but the most he could do was get her transferred to another branch, not outright sacking.

While speculations ran rife, no one bothered to ask the subject matter herself and she was quite enjoying the tall tales her little birds brought back to her.

Ztembe was quite unconcerned about the whole affair, all she thought of was that the day should end already. She had gotten into similar situations like this before, so this for her was a piece of cake and she would make mincemeat out of whoever came for her she had decided. Surprisingly, no one had approached her yet. As if they knew her state of mind.

Meanwhile, the conspiracy theorists were running out of fodder for their isms and nihisms and found themselves in a quandary; to approach or not to approach Ztembe, that was the question.

In another part of the office, Bimpe and Sempei are engaged in intense conversation.

"No, that's not what I heard," Sempei objects. Topic of discussion was Ztembe's sack.

"According to Zubi, you know Zubi now that works in HR?" She continues after Sempei nods in affirmation. "She said that management had re assigned Ztembe to PO and Ztembe turned it down being that, she was overqualified for such a position".

"So is that why they sacked her?" Sempei cuts in.

"Wait na, e never finish. Ztembe told them that instead of her taking up that position, she'd rather be sacked."

"Chei, that girl, that girl. That her mouth too sharp. So wetin kan happen?"

"Na the matter they still dey drag."

"But come o, I hear say she don go hire lawyer, say this tin wey management do dey against labour law. Na true?"

"I don't know o, but You know say Ztembe go school so e fit possible."

"Hmm," Sempei sighs, she looks thoughtful.
"Wetin you dey think?" Her friend asks.

She sighs again, "You know, I just they think am o, many tins wen dey dey do here no good at all. Take for instance, that three years I worked straight, no leave. E good?"

Bimbe has no answer for that. She was the kind of employee that asked no questions, as long as her salary was paid on time. She couldn't understand  Ztembe and her many fights with the management.

What she and most of her colleagues however failed to see was that in the long run, it would pay off not only for Ztembe, but for everyone else.

Photo Credit: wemagazineforwomen, Source

MMC: Horrible Bosses

What's with bosses and bossiness? I mean, that you're a boss shouldn't translate to being bossy. Or am I missing something here? I'll try not to rant about how my boss was unfair to me today, or how s/he is simply out to draw blood no, that won't do.

I simply want to understand why some of our bosses have become so drunk in power that they feel  the rules don't apply to them forgetting that there's something called karma. Or what about those that feel threatened by their subordinates, call it inferiority complex, I don't know but what I do know is that this bunch will go to great lengths to undermine your efforts at every turn. 

Nothing you do is ever right. Should you dare suggest proactive ways of getting things done, s/he feels you're after their job. Point out loopholes in a planned course of action, you're questioing their authority. Get commended by management, you're kissing ass and an ingrate. Like seriously, what do you do with this set of people? Constructive criticism? Mba, don't go there.

Would it be wrong to ascribe this to our Africanness? You know in this part of the world, we take our titles seriously. That's why you'd hear Chief, Dr., Mr., Duinne. MBA, PhD and anything that hints at being a threat to these elevated titles are rather dealt with swiftly. And my women folk (I hail una o), given that we are prone to displaying acts of pettiness - not that the male folks' excused but we're the ringleaders, lie? - you can imagine how that can be magnified in a position of authority.

Should you have a female boss, hmm, I pity you. I'm beginning to sound like the weeping prophet, lol but it's not all doom. It's just that my experience so far with my women folk has not exactly been spectacular which has also in part, informed my preference to rolling with my soul brothers.

That's not to say all female bosses are commandoes, no. I have friends who can't praise their bosses enough so yes, there are still good bosses out there, but would I be so bold as to pronounce that they outnumber the horrible bosses? Well, no. But I maintain that there are still good bosses out there and I'm one (at least I like to think so).:)

I'm pretty sure I've drawn rather hasty conclusions and my premise(s)' all shades of flawed but hey, what do you expect from a brow beaten worker? So tell me, how's your boss like? Would you consider yourself a horrible boss, yes, no? For what reasons? Share your thoughts.

Photo Credit: Google

Monday Moaners Club (MMC): Rhetorics

"Workers welcome Mondays, false. Abi it is Monday who welcomes workers. Workers despise Mondays, fact." That was Ochuko's rather confusing welcome back to work opening remarks as he propped his feet on an empty chair and leaned back with his hands behind his head.

Whenever Ochuko adopted that pose, you knew what was coming; a lecture on one of his many convoluted essays and this time, it was about his favourite topic, Monday vs. The Worker with Monday being his least favourite of days. He was going to share some deep seated secrets which we frail humans alas knew nothing of.

This time was different however, I was ready for Ochuko for I had come with a weapon - a secret weapon - to shut him up once and for all.

"What is it about Mondays that make me want to pull my hair out?" He asks. The question itself aimed at no one in particular. Bimpe nudges me with her foot (the office gossip), I pretend not to notice. I was in no mood for mindless chit-chat.

"Again I ask, why's Monday so cruel? I work like an Elephant yet eat like an Ant, why?"

Poor guy, he must have really had it rough over the weekend. Word in the grapevine had it that his ex wife was out to milk him dry but what had that got anything to do with Monday I wondered.

I seemed to be the only one disturbed. I look around the office to note who was there and who wasn't; Ainkai 'rabbit', Bole the 'boulder', myself and Bimpe. Where was Sempei (gossip no.2)? Aww, she would hate to miss out on this. No wonder Bimpe wanted recruiting me, the snitch. They all seemed not to notice Ochuko so it was up to me to hush him up; good thing I had come prepared abi?

"Erm Ochuko," I begin, "if you've got something to say, say it and stop disturbing our ears. Is it Monday you're mad at or your wife, which?"

Too late, I immediately sense the temperature drop in the room. The words were already out there, I couldn't take them back. Anyone who knew Ochuko knew how he felt about his ex wife. It was an open secret, you knew but pretended not to know, that is, until today. I sight rabbit shake her head, wrong move it seemed to say. Well, there was no going back, let the anger games begin I sing song in my head as I brace up.

Ochuko eyes the young lady seated opposite him warily like a Lion eyes a porcupine; to pounce or not to pounce. He couldn't afford another scenario like that of last week, he doubted management would be lenient with him this time around. If only you knew my story lady, he thinks, you'd judge me less harshly. His Mondays had always been ill favoured, cursed if you like. He knew this and saw it as his cross to bear, his alone.

Ztembe: That was below the belt I know but it worked didn't it?

                                                            **********

Hi people, that's a taste of what I'm dubbing Monday Moaners Club (MMC). It'll be a series of short - really short - stories loosely based on the grief all some of us seem to feel whenever Monday rolls round armed with tons of work, lol, no one's left out in its books.  I've seen, heard and picked up a lot about this fella (Monday), he sure has a lot of 'frenemies'. I usually shy away from writing prose but for the sake of some persons, I'll try. Let's call this an experimental project shall we?😁

Photo Credit: Google