Feelers

For some reason, when I come across certain things - reading, hearing, seeing - fiam, my mind goes off on a tangent. The other day, it was a song I was listening to and then today, it was an article I was reading which birthed this post.

What are feelings? How do we make sense of them? Why are some persons more feely feely (sensitive) than others?

Well, I have no answers, sorry to say. But for myself, I know that once upon a time, I repressed my feelings. Apparently, it was cool to do so then or it was a taboo? Can't exactly remember hehe. But, letting myself to feel was tantamount to being vulnerable and I hated being vulnerable. Still hate it except in the right context I suppose.

So what changed? Well, it didn't just happen overnight. I don't think I even noticed the paradigm shift but I recently realised that I no longer run away from my feelings rather, I embrace them wholeheartedly; give them a warm reception and send them on their way. I've come to realise that it's the lil' girl that's trying to say something. You want love? I'll give you that. You're sad? Aww darling, it's ok. You're angry? Why? Ok, you dunno why? Oya, vent it, but whatever you do, don't repress it. You feel frustrated hun? It's ok, take your time examine all the reasons why you feel that way.

I didn't actively engage my emotions once upon a time; anger especially. Then I thought it wrong to be angry and avoided it at all cost. That led me to become the passive aggressive type (probably still am, but at least now I know and so I'm conquering it). Anger was bad energy, still is. So is jealousy and a whole lot of other bad juju.

I guess what I needed to understand was that God gave us feelings (emotions) for a reason, they shouldn't be denied. It's not a crime to feel the things that one does feel but acknowledging these feelings make them all the more easy to understand and to develop subsequent plans of action in handling them.

I got angry with a friend recently (for the record, I'm not easily angered) and reacted. She went on and on about how disappointed she was in me and my reaction (I'd walked away and didn't answer her when she called out to me). This happened after church BTW. Ok, admittedly, it was a little incident that tripped me off but that little incident was based on a series of other little events that had happened over a period of time and I decided not to let the recent one slide. So, the sermon got to a point where I had to ask her, "I don vex for you before?" She couldn't answer. Perhaps that's why she was disappointed. Maybe she thought I was anger proof lol. She never acknowledged what she did BTW but that ain't the point. The point is, it's ok to feel the way you feel but be careful of your actions during that period lest you go overboard and make the wrong choices. That's why people advise other people to not make decisions in the heat of the moment - whatever the moment might be (anger, lust, infatuation, frustration, fatigue, despair etc).

Over the years, I've managed to create various ways I tackle emotional overwhelm. It could be withdrawal, writing also does it for me - shout out to my journals. They've been with me through thick 'n' thin lol. Generally, writing helps clear my mind and put things in perspective so do walks. I take long walks - they almost always help me make sense of stuff. I talk to my friends - that's the one I'm still working on. Talking to people doesn't come easy for me but after I've done that, I wonder why I waited that long to do it, hehe. And then, this' the easy one; I cry. Yep, I'm a big cry baby, 🙈😶. Tears are cathartic (that was once my Facebook post). It's like a cleansing, literally purging out all them toxins out. And when I'm done, it's like a rainbow after a torrential downpour. Yeah, that's the feeling I get after a good cry. 

Last but not least, I pray and meditate on God's word. I remind myself of what God says concerning whatever's the cause of those feelings in the first place and hand over everything to him. I can't shout. I'm only human after all and all these overall has kept me sane and grounded.

All in all, I'm allowed to feel all the feels I want to feel (that includes wanting to be alone, wanting to not pick calls amongst other things, free me. Going forward, I refuse to allow anyone guilt trip me on these). So, welcome, emotions, welcome. Come one, come all! None will be turned away; none will be dwelt upon.

Peace.

Photo Credit: Indiatoday