To Kill Father's Ghost ꘡꘡꘡: The Letter

To my beloved Raniya.

I hope your day is fine my love. I was just thinking of your smile. How beautiful and radiant it is. Truth is I always think about your smile. It amazes me and rewards me in great measures.  Like somebody actually listened to something I said or saw something I did and they smiled. Isn't that amazing? It makes me afraid too. See I haven’t been around many smiles before. I have this funny knack for turning them upside down. I can’t count how many frowns I  have made, but for heaven’s sake I truly and sincerely hope that God forgives me.

I am afraid that one day you will truly see me. Your eyes will open to my shortcomings, your ears will hear of my inequities and your nose will smell the stench of my numerous failures and your beautiful smile will fade away.

My dear, I have become very dependent on your smile. It is the only time I feel whole again. A stream  of fresh water coursing through a perched riverbed. I am a broken soul, my Raniya. Oh my God, I am so broken, I don’t even realize when I’m breaking up those close to me. It’s my nature and I fear for us. Like the hulk, I’ll turn into a green monster and your smile will fade away together with your love. I am I afraid  it will be too late. Like everyone else, you will leave.

That is what I am most afraid of. I have to confess to you my love, it terrifies me everyday. I could never recover from that. I don’t have anymore energy left. I desperately want to believe that this is it. That we have finally made it, and I can at last let go and just be happy to be alive. Indeed once or twice I have let go, and it was beautiful. The most beautiful thing ever, I saw God here on earth. I felt life all around me, I became one with the universe. It was that evening we were strolling by the river, the soles of our feet licked by its playful edge. That was when I felt it. My entire body and soul; one with the universe. A leaf gracefully fell from a pine and as I watched it meander midair, across your smile down onto the meadow, I knew that a part of me had shifted from the cool breeze high up on to the firm stability of the ground. It was beautiful. A moment that lasted forever and I knew that was the kind of freedom and happiness I yearned for.

Raniya, I have a question for you though. How can I take all this goodness? Cursed be the day I thought it was even possible for my wretched soul to be happy. What would I do with happiness? I would spend all my days and nights worrying about losing it.  Oh my wretched soul, it will never know peace. I’d probably lose all of it, and I wouldn’t know how. I can’t bear that, I can’t bear that my Raniya. So, it’s better if I didn’t have my desire now, so that I don’t have to worry about losing it. When that evil day comes it will pass me in my misery just like my deathday and I won’t notice. I will have finally dealt fate a blow. I will win.

For what it is worth, I hope you keep it in your heart that you will always be my moon, my light in the dark. You will always be my star, my forever beauty. Even as we part ways.

Yours faithfully,

Prince Oyalla.

See dad, I am not afraid of my ugly. I own up to it even if it scalds my ego. Some day I’ll grow into a real man, I’ll probably be able to hold down a relationship but for now I am just a man trying to get over his pain.

***Editor's note***

Thank you Brian for this beautifully written piece. Domestic violence and abuse, sadly has become the norm. Families torn apart with the children mostly being the worst hit by such development. Violence isn't the answer (I'd have ended the sentence with "get help", but getting help isn't always easy now is it?)

To worsen matters, the problem almost always becomes cyclical as children emulate what they see the parents do and imbibe it as the norm. Wife/Husband battery therefore becomes the norm for these ones. May the good Lord help us all. Amen.

Peace.